Why Fear When I Am Here?
Mary Lynn Adzema*
Note: In the the first article in this series, "Sathya Sai Baba, Avatar," the author focused on Hinduism’s understanding of avatar as an incarnation of God on Earth and mentioned the criteria that appear to validate Sathya Sai Baba as a living incarnation of the Divine in our time. She gave the historical and prophetic background as well as described the extent and purpose of Sai Baba’s mission. In this article Mary Lynn recounts some of her personal experiences with Sai Baba.This sharing of my experiences during my first visit to Sai Baba’s ashram in Whitefield, India, begins at a time three years after my fourteen-year-old daughter’s death. In the context of this article there isn’t space to tell this part of the story, except to say that Lynn’s death was an extraordinary event in our
lives, filled with miraculous "signs and wonders." In fact, in the months and years following and culminating at the time this part of my story opens, it became increasingly clear that Lynn’s death was part of her own, and the Universe’s, mysteriously perfect design.
By way of explanation, I had submitted Lynn’s story to – and it had been published in – Sanathana Sarathi, which is the monthly magazine published at Sai Baba’s ashram and mailed to thousands of devotees the world over. Shortly after Lynn’s story appeared in Sanathana Sarathi, I found myself in a period of depression. Perhaps the sharing of our daughter’s story had stirred up some residue of grief, or perhaps it was simply one of those dry spells that occur from time to time in the devotee’s life. Whatever the reason, I found myself praying to Baba for a special sign of his love. I did not specify what it should be; I simply asked him for reassurance.
One week later my prayer was answered in a most dramatic way. Coming to bhajans, the weekly devotional singing service at our Santa Barbara Sai Baba Center, I was surprised to see Mr. Vimu Mukunda, the distinguished devotee of Sai Baba and talented musician who had played his veena (Indian guitar) at Lynn’s memorial service three years earlier. We had not seen him in all this time, for he had been traveling around the world. After our song service, the center president asked Mr. Mukunda to share Baba’s words about Lynn.
As she was introducing him, I could scarcely believe what was happening. Had Baba heard my plea? I listened as Mr. Mukunda revealed that he had just happened to be in Baba’s presence when Mr. Kasturi, editor of Sanathana Sarathi, was asking Baba’s permission to publish the stories slated to appear in the March 1979 issue. Among them was the story of Lynn which I had submitted to him. Mr. Kasturi then asked Baba about Lynn, and Mr. Mukunda heard Baba say, "She was a beautiful child who brought joy to all who knew her. Why hold her back? She has finished her karma. She is with me."
Tears of joy filled my eyes as I listened to Mr. Mukunda speak. Although at the time of Lynn’s passing many miraculous signs reassured us that she had indeed "graduated" from this university of the world, here was the proof of her liberation from Baba’s own lips, coming to me as if in direct answer to my prayer for a special sign.
As I look back, I now realize that this dramatic incident prepared the way for my first journey to India to see Sai Baba’s physical form, a journey which would materialize a year later; and the process of transformation hastened by our daughter’s death would continue.
During this first visit to Sai Baba’s ashram in Brindavan (outside of Bangalore, a thriving city in south India), Baba would take me through the ABC’s of spirituality starting with his first commandment, the basis for all spiritual evolution: "God is one"; or, in Swami’s words: "Unity is Divinity."
Now at this point in my life I certainly loved God and my fellow beings; I had worked hard to implement Baba’s teachings, and I was quite sincere when I told him mentally just prior to the trip: I desire nothing from you, Baba; I do not need miraculous manifestations of vibhuti (sacred healing ash), rings, or rosaries. I wish only to experience your divine love and to share it.
Our longed-for interview with Baba would take place. The first thing he did after ushering us into the interview room was to manifest vibhuti for a sick child, her mother weeping tears of gratitude. He went on to ask most people in our group: "What do you want?" But when it was my turn, he asked gently, "And how are you?"
"I’m happy, Baba. Very happy," I replied.
"Happy, very happy," he said sweetly. And I felt a wave of bliss flooding my entire being.
That was all. Then he went on around the group, and when it was my friend’s turn, he asked, "And what do you want?"
Carol replied, "Baba, I want to know if you are the Godhead."
Baba answered, "Who is God? What is God? These are only words. You must experience."
She then asked, "Will you help me?"
"Yes, yes, I will help," he replied, and then he made the familiar circular motion and manifested vibhuti for her, which he proceeded to share with some members of our group. He skipped over me, however. Later I realized that he had honored my intent; hadn’t I told him that I desired no physical manifestations as "proof" – whereas my friend, from the very beginning, had declared herself to be a "doubting Thomas."
Baba then went into a discourse with my friend about her "monkey mind" and reminded her that she must "choose" spirituality. Finally, he said, "Do you want Sai Baba?" And when she said, "Yes," he materialized a ring for her. The ring was a large and colorful ceramic portrait of Baba showing him with his right hand raised in the familiar gesture of reassurance to his devotees.
At this point my own monkey mind took over, and I felt a sense of dismay. I very quickly forgot my noble intentions and thought "I wish he would manifest a rosary for me!" No sooner had this thought crossed my mind when Baba actually materialized one and dangled it enticingly in front of us, swinging it back and forth like a pendulum! Would he give it to me? With a twinkle in his eye Baba tossed it to a devotee from Italy, a stocky lady already sporting a huge ring which Baba had manifested for her on a previous visit. I couldn’t believe it. From there on, it was all down hill. By the time our interview was over my mind was making the mad monkey look like a sage by comparison.
The next day I found myself looking into that Pandora’s box which Baba had opened for me. What I saw did not please me one bit: jealousy, unworthiness, self pity, resentment over Carol’s good fortune, and so it went. Where were all those "divine" feelings I had been so sure I would experience in Baba’s presence? The day following this encounter with my supposedly nonexistent ego, I finally came to my senses.
"Baba, what am I doing? I came here to ask of you only one thing: Please take all this petty egoism, and let me be a channel for your divine love."
And this time I really meant it; it was not just a pious wish. As I waited in the darshan area that morning, tears filled my eyes, and I held up my rosary. Baba seemed to know what was in my heart for he walked over to me directly and put his hand firmly on my rosary, blessing it and filling my heart with joy. Gone was the anguish and self-hatred of the previous day. I was transformed.
It was as if he were saying, "Now that you are willing to surrender the self-image which was so precious, I can give you what I wanted to give you all along: the taste of your own divinity." That day, for the first time in my life, I knew I was experiencing divine love; I felt as if I were floating six inches above the ground.
The days of our first visit were flying rapidly by. On the 19th of January (we had arrived on the 4th) Baba was due to leave for Madras and then for Bombay. We were slated to leave for the states on the 21st; but there was no way to know Baba’s timetable. We decided to see the travel agent to confirm our seats on the 7:30 p.m. flight from Bangalore, arriving in Bombay at 9:00 p.m. That would give us ample time to make the midnight Air India flight home. The travel agent hesitated: "I think you had better get the noon flight to insure plenty of time to make the connection." Carol and I looked at each other knowingly. It had occurred to us simultaneously that this could be a sign that we might be able to see Baba in Bombay after all.
Meanwhile, the theme of oneness continued to assert itself during our visit. On the morning of the 19th before Baba was due to leave for Madras, unknown to one another, Carol and I had each been inspired with the idea of offering Baba flowers during morning darshan. This would be our last contact with him and a way of expressing our love and gratitude; yet, as it developed, neither of us did buy any from the flower sellers that morning. No sooner had we walked into the darshan area, however, when a friend whom we had met at the ashram a few days earlier approached, holding out to us, not one, but two garlands. She said that Baba had appeared in her morning meditation and had told her that our love was a magnet; he wanted each of us to have flowers! And, of course, as events unfolded, he did stop to bless each of our garlands that morning as we held them up for a last good-bye.
The next night, our last in Bangalore before departure, we were invited to the home of Kekie Mistry, official photographer for Baba. We felt the invitation was another farewell gift from Swami as Kekie treated us to slides of the recent birthday celebration and World Conference at Baba’s main ashram in Puttaparthi. This was especially meaningful to us because Baba had remained at the Brindavan ashram during our entire visit, and so we had not had the opportunity to make the trip to Prasanthi Nilayam (literally: "the abode of highest peace").
During the evening Carol was inspired to purchase one of Kekie’s photographs. This particular picture, Kekie told us, was one of Baba’s favorites. Swami had told him, "This is the face of God." And so I followed suit. Suppose we did have the chance to see Baba in Bombay, and suppose he were to autograph the photos for us? An extravagant wish given the unpredictability of Baba’s travel itinerary; but by then we were both learning that miracles are the order of the day in a devotee’s life. It’s simply a matter of staying awake.
Early the following afternoon we arrived in Bombay and taxied to Darmakshetra, which is the name of Sai Baba’s ashram in that city. Unlike Brindavan where there had been a few hundred devotees at most, here there were thousands waiting for a glimpse of him. Our hearts sank; how could we even hope for contact? We sought out a volunteer and explained that this would be our last opportunity for Baba’s darshan as we would be departing that evening for the U.S. Kindly enough she seated us somewhere towards the center of the vast throng and disappeared. But a few moments later, for no apparent reason, she reappeared and directed us to follow her. This time she took us to the front of the crowd and seated us, like VIPs, in the first row right behind the bhajan leaders. Further, she seated me right on the aisle, so that if Baba came near, I would have an opportunity to hold up the photograph.
Well, you guessed it. Baba did come to me and sign my photograph, "Love, Baba" as Carol and I had prayed he would. We had agreed that if Baba should sign my photograph, I would then hold up hers, but when I did so, Baba shook his head and murmured gently, "Only one."
For just a few moments it was my friend’s turn to feel left out, and then the true meaning of Baba’s actions dawned on us both. As we discussed it later on our flight home, we realized that Baba’s words, "Only one," had been the theme of our entire trip; a precious lesson in unity he had given us. And he had provided opportunities for each of us to confront the obstacles our egos had put in the way of that awareness – for instance, my experience in the interview. Having provoked these happenings, he had then given us dramatic glimpses of our oneness; for example, that morning when our Seattle friend gave us the garlands; the insight we had shared in the travel agent’s office; and the realization that had it not been for Carol’s impulse to buy the photo of Baba at the slide party, and had she not provided the pen which Baba used to sign it, I would not now have this treasured sign of his love on my altar.
What does oneness mean? Baba gives us a practical test. When we feel pain at another’s pain, and more difficult, joy at another’s joy, then we can know that we are experiencing the divine unity he speaks of.
As if to underscore the significance Baba attaches to this teaching, an event happened several years after my trip to prove to both my husband and myself that we had finally "internalized" this principle.
I was gathering notes and remembering the highlights of that first trip to Baba, preparing for a talk on "Unity is Divinity" at a neighboring Sai Baba center, when out of the blue, my brother-in-law came to visit. He had driven all the way from Los Angeles to share startling news. After years of setbacks in business (which had involved considerable financial sacrifice on my husband’s part in order to help his brother), Peter announced that his ship had come in. A major chemical company was about to produce and distribute his invention; and so bright were the prospects, it now seemed that he would be a millionaire in two years time.
Our spontaneous reaction to this sudden news was one of pure joy. For both my husband and myself there was not even a hint of the "if-only-it-had-happened-to-us" syndrome – simply genuine happiness that Peter and his family would be enjoying the kind of lifestyle they had long hoped for.
And then I experienced a flashback – I was recalling my very different reaction during our interview five years earlier, when Carol had received a ring from Baba. At that time I had felt a sense of contraction and dismay and, to my horror, jealousy; but in this moment, listening to Peter’s news, I was experiencing feelings of expansion and joy at his good fortune; and this in spite of the strained relationship which had grown up between our two families. I knew now that the timing of Peter’s visit was Baba’s. He had given us the opportunity to realize that we were progressing on the path.
After Peter left, I felt joy at having passed Baba’s surprise "quiz," and perhaps it was the catalyst for what happened next. I had resumed preparing notes for the talk on unity and was recalling my experience in our interview with Baba when the revelation occurred.
In the interview room Baba had asked me, "And how are you?" I had replied, "I am happy, Baba, very happy." At that instant, as he also said, "Happy, very happy," a wave of bliss had surged up within me, and only now was I realizing that the bliss I had felt in that moment was also his: He and I were one. Implicit in those seconds of ecstasy was the knowing, the experience of divine union. And I had been so foolishly disappointed at not being given a rosary!
This incident was for me a graphic example of how Baba’s time-frame differs from our own. Lovingly he had saved for me the "fruits" of my lesson in unity until, in the fullness of my own time, I had finally internalized it and made it my own.
In my case he had first prepared me for the experience of unity by putting me in touch with my feelings of separateness and the accompanying self-doubts and fears which, until his merciful intervention, had been blocking my awareness of my true nature – for how many lifetimes?
It is characteristic of Sai Baba, in his avataric role as teacher of humanity, to validate the learnings of his followers in this way. After all, his very name, Sathya, means "truth"; and he has assured us there are no shortcuts on the spiritual path. Only by manifesting in our lives and in our awareness the love and unity he teaches can each of us claim the divinity within. As the Course in Miracles states: "To give and to receive are one. To know love, teach love." Or in the words of Saint Francis of Assisi, "It is in giving that we receive."
Some recommended books about Sri Sathya Sai Baba:
Sandweiss, Samuel H. (1975). Sai Baba: The Holy Man and the Psychiatrist. San Diego, CA: Birth Day Publishing.Krystal, Phyllis. (1985). Sai Baba: The Ultimate Experience. Los Angeles: Aura Books.
Warner, Judy. (Ed.) (1990). Transformation of the Heart. York Beach, Maine: Samuel Weiser, Inc.
For these books, as well as a list of many now available about Sai Baba, and for information concerning planning a trip to Sai Baba’s ashram, the reader is encouraged to contact: The Sathya Sai Book Center of America; 305 West First Street, Tustin, California 92680. Phone: (714) 669-0522 or Fax: (714) 669-9138. An additional source of helpful information concerning groups planning a trip to Sai Baba’s ashram is your local Sathya Sai Baba Center. If there is not a Sai center in your community, the Book Center will be able to direct you to a listing of centers in your area.
Copyright © 1998 by Mary Lynn Adzema
* This article was originally published in The Rose Garden.
MARY LYNN ADZEMA is a long-time devotee of Sri Sathya Sai Baba. She has an M.A. in Consciousness Psychology, an A.B.D. in Philosophy, and over thirty-years involvement in yogic and Eastern spiritual practices. She wrote a chapter for and co-edited a book about the experiences of Sai Baba devotees titled Transformation of the Heart. She has taught psychology at the university level and has published on the topics of psychology and spirituality. Mary Lynn has received training with Stanislav Grof in holotropic breathwork and with various people in primal therapy. Having served with the International Primal Association on it Board of Directors and as Assistant Editor of the publications, Primal Renaissance: The Journal of Primal Psychology, a professional journal of psychology, and Primal Spirit: The Deeper Wave of the New Age, a magazine; she now serves as Assistant Editor of those some publications in their reincarnation on this website, and as consulting editor for Primal Spirit website in its umbrella-role for those publications plus all its other facets. Most importantly, she serves as Assistant Director of the newly opened Primal Spirit Center for Human Evolution, offering primal breathwork, primal therapy, a community of healing -- to name its major intentions. Mary Lynn's extended bio can be found at Mary Lynn Adzema's Writings. She can be contacted at P.O. Box 1348, Guerneville, CA 95446-1348; phone: (707) 869-9008; e-mail: marylynn@primalspirit.com.